Panic Attack

I had a panic attack on the drive home from work, Friday afternoon. It is the most debilitating experience I’ve ever had. You literally seize up. It seems like you are running out of air. You stomach tightens in convulsing bursts and the world seems to squeeze in around you.

The concept of a panic attack seems difficult to explain to somebody until one steps into the eye of the storm themselves. You can’t think, you can’t take in outside stimuli, you can’t even acknowledge the present situation really. You are in a constant state of catching up, gasping for air and feeling like you are either about to explode or drown. If you are as self conscious as I am, it’s fucking devastating.

Pundits, psychologists, psychiatrists and other pwords will tell that you need to focus on a singular thing, or action, you need speak about your feelings and you need to breathe slowly.

People miss the brutally fact that by the time you are having a real panic attack, it’s too late. Focusing on anything outside of the swirling hurricane within you is next to impossible. Talking about your feelings would be quickly summed up in a quip - I can’t fucking breathe and breathing slowly is the one thing that you would agree that you need to do, but you never seem to have enough air.

The upside of a panic attack (is that a thing?) is that they tend to be over quick. Unlike an enduring hangover, or a general feeling of nausea, severe panic attacks are like a drive by. I often mild versions of anxiety almost every time that I am facing a new crowd, have a conversation with an attractive female, or generally do any kind of human classified existence outside of my studio.

I’ve grown used to those, like the hulk keeping the anger at bay, always near and always available to explode in rage and fury at the worst possible moment.

The nasty trick of this panic attack and recent general anxiety brought on by stress of a new job and probably my general life style hides in the fact that it happens when I drive and when I speak in front of large groups of people. In the case of my present gigs that happens daily and weekly. Wonderful turn of event Dr Watson - wouldn’t you say?

I’ve head anxiety ever since I remember my first test in first grade. It’s been casually problematic since I stopped smoking copious amounts of pot (at some point it starting giving me anxiety too), so now it has come to a point, where I will need to deal with it - closure, always good because it forces you to face the truth and stop fucking around.

P.S. Since I wrote this in 2013, I’ve gotten much better. I still hate public speaking and dislike driving hungover, but do both pretty often.